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МРНТИ/SCSTI 82.03.21/15.41.21

УДК/UDC 005.733/316.47

Schafer Jack — PhD, Western Illinois University, FBI Behavioral Analyst (Ret.)

HOW TO START, SUSTAIN, AND STOP BUSINESS RELATIONSHIPS: AN EX-FBI AGENT’S FRIENDSHIP FORMULA FOR INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS

Annotation. The article highlights the importance of strong interpersonal relationships for business success — a principle that remains relevant to this day. The question arises: how exactly can such relationships be built and maintained? During the author’s tenure as an FBI special agent and behavioral analyst, a primary objective was to devise strategies for establishing connections between individuals who might not otherwise cross paths. Four key factors that foster relationship development are identified in this context. Understanding these factors can help improve business, social, or personal connections. Furthermore, by tracking changes across these four parameters, one can assess the dynamics of any relationship over time.

The paper presents a «formula» defining these four factors that underlie any relationship; consequently, it can be used to build, maintain, and/or terminate relationships — provided these factors are applied appropriately.

Keywords: formula for friendship, interpersonal effectiveness, relationships, intimacy, commitment, people, FBI agent, information.

Шейфер Джек — PhD докторы, Батыс Иллинойс университеті, ФБР мінез-құлық талдаушысы (бұрынғы)

ІСКЕРЛІК ҚАТЫНАСТАРДЫ ҚАЛАЙ БАСТАУ, ҚОЛДАУ ЖӘНЕ ТОҚТАТУ КЕРЕК: БҰРЫНҒЫ ФБР АГЕНТІНІҢ ТҰЛҒААРАЛЫҚ ТИІМДІЛІК ФОРМУЛАСЫ

Түйін. Мақалада бизнесте табысқа жету үшін берік тұлғааралық қарым — қатынастың маңыздылығы ашылады-бұл қағида бүгінгі күнге дейін өзекті болып қала береді. Сұрақ туындайды: мұндай қарым-қатынасты қалай құруға және сақ­тау­ға болады? Автордың ФБР-дің арнайы агенті және мінез-құлық талдаушысы ретінде негізгі міндет қарапайым жағдайларда қиылыспайтын адамдар арасында байланыс орнату стратегияларын әзірлеу болды. Бұл мәселені шешу үшін қарым-қатынастың дамуына ықпал ететін төрт негізгі фактор бар. Бұл факторларды түсіну іскерлік, әлеуметтік немесе жеке байланыстарды жақсартуға көмектеседі. Соны­мен қатар, осы төрт параметрдегі өзгерістерді бақылау арқылы уақыт өте келе кез келген қарым-қатынастың динамикасын бағалауға болады.

Жұмыста кез — келген қарым-қатынастың негізінде жатқан осы төрт фак­торды анықтайтын «формула» келтірілген, сондықтан оларды құру, сақтау жә­не/немесе тоқтату үшін қолдануға болады-егер осы факторлар дұрыс қол­данылса.

Түйінді сөздер: достық формуласы, тұлғааралық тиімділік, қарым-қатынас, жақындық, міндеттеме, адамдар, ФБР агенті, ақпарат.

Шейфер Джек — доктор философии, Университет Западного Иллинойса, поведенческий аналитик ФБР (бывший)

КАК НАЧИНАТЬ, ПОДДЕРЖИВАТЬ И ПРЕКРАЩАТЬ ДЕЛОВЫЕ ОТНОШЕНИЯ: ФОРМУЛА МЕЖЛИЧНОСТНОЙ ЭФФЕКТИВНОСТИ ОТ БЫВШЕГО АГЕНТА ФБР

Аннотация. В статье раскрывается важность прочных межличностных отно­ше­ний для достижения успеха в бизнесе — принцип, который остается актуаль­ным и по сей день. Возникает вопрос: как именно выстраивать и поддерживать та­кие отношения? В бытность автора специальным агентом ФБР и поведенческим аналитиком главной задачей была разработка стратегий налаживания связей меж­ду людьми, которые в обычных обстоятельствах могли бы и не пересечься. Для решения этой задачи выделяется четыре ключевых фактора, способствующих раз­витию отношений. Понимание этих факторов поможет улучшить деловые, соци­аль­ные или личные контакты. Кроме того, отслеживая изменения по этим четырем параметрам, можно оценивать динамику любых отношений с течением времени.

В работе представлена «формула», определяющая эти четыре фактора, лежа­щие в основе любых отношений, и, следовательно, может использоваться для их выстраивания, поддержания и/или прекращения — при условии надлежащего при­менения этих факторов.

Ключевые слова: формула дружбы, межличностная эффективность, отно­шения, близость, обязательство, люди, агент ФБР, информация

 

I will pay more for the ability to deal with
people than any other ability under the sun.
John D. Rockefeller

 Introduction. John D. Rockefeller emphasized the importance of strong interpersonal relationships for achieving business success, a principle that still holds true today. The question is: How does one go about creating and sustaining relationships? As an FBI Special Agent and behavioral analyst, my primary task was to develop strategies for building relationships between people who might not normally connect. To achieve this objective, I identified four key factors for developing relationships. Understanding these factors will help you improve your business, social, or personal relationships. Further, you can monitor changes in the four factors to determine changes in any relationship over time.

Main part. The Friendship Formula. This «formula» identifies the four factors that underlie all relationships and, thus, can be used to initiate, sustain, and/or terminate them when the factors are used appropriately. The four factors can be expressed as follows:

Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

Proximity occurs when you are within someone’s visual, vocal, or virtual range. Studies have shown that individuals who occupy the same physical space tend to exhibit higher levels of attraction toward each other than those who do not share the same physical space (Nilsson, 2019[1]; Ooms, Werker, & Caniels, 2018[2]). Proximity is crucial for developing personal relationships, for without proximity, no relationships could form. Proximity promotes mutual liking between the affected parties, be they potential life partners, business salespeople, and their customers or employees in the workplace… even when no words are spoken.

Proximity highlights the significant role physical closeness plays in forming friendships.

Increased familiarity breeds liking. Frequent encounters due to physical proximity increase familiarity, which naturally leads to a greater inclination to like someone. Shared experiences foster connection. Proximity often results in shared experiences, such as living in the same neighborhood or working in the same office. These shared moments provide common ground for conversation and to build rapport. Perceived similarity strengthens attraction. Regular exposure to someone can lead to the assumption that you have more in common than you initially realize. This perceived similarity further enhances the likelihood of mutual liking. In essence, proximity is a powerful driver of interpersonal attraction. Proximity explains why the relationship between team members and team members and their clients flourish with face-to-face encounters. Proximity can be achieved via telephone, Internet, or written correspondence; however, face-to-face meetings are more effective. Further, proximity among team members is critical for the creation of innovative collaborations (Huber, 2012[3]; Ooms, Werker, & Caniels, 2018). In fact, creating positive team member relationships relies primarily on personal and social proximity (Ooms, Werker, & Caniels, 2018; Zahn, 1991[4]).

Frequency is the number of contacts you have with another individual. The amount of interaction between individuals plays an important part in attraction (Dettmann & Brenner, 2010[5]). People repeatedly exposed to photographs of strangers’ faces felt more attracted to them than photographs of strangers’ faces they saw less often (Jorgensen & Cervone, 1978[6]). Based on these findings, the frequency of exposure to individuals increases attraction. The frequency of personal contact increases the probability that personal relationships will develop (Zahn, 1991). The further the physical distance between people, the lower the frequency of personal interactions tends to be (Zahn, 1991).

The frequency of interaction plays a crucial role in shaping the quality of interpersonal relationships. Increased interaction fosters deeper connections. More frequent contacts allow individuals to gain a more comprehensive understanding of each other, build trust, and share a wider range of experiences. These shared moments contribute to a stronger and more meaningful bond. Intimacy thrives with consistent engagement. Regular interaction encourages sharing personal information, leading to a deeper level of intimacy and understanding. This fosters a more fulfilling and emotionally connected relationship.

Commitment grows with consistent presence. When individuals anticipate regular interaction, they are more likely to feel committed to the relationship. The awareness of the ongoing need to invest in the relationship strengthens their commitment to its success. Conflict is inevitable but manageable. While increased interaction may lead to more frequent disagreements, it also provides opportunities for conflict resolution and improved communication skills. This fosters a more resilient and healthier relationship in the long run.

Duration is the length of time you spend with another individual. The time individuals spend around each other is critical in gauging relationships. Duration measures the time spent between individuals. The more time individuals spend together, the greater their influence on one another (Lieberman, 2000[7]).

The duration of a personal relationship significantly influences its quality. Longer relationships foster deeper bonds. Over time, relationships cultivate deeper levels of trust, intimacy, and commitment. These elements strengthen the foundation and resilience of the relationship. Intimacy grows with a shared history. As individuals spend more time together, they naturally share more personal information and develop a deeper understanding of each other. This shared history fosters a more intimate and fulfilling connection. Commitment strengthens with shared investment. Long-term relationships involve a significant investment of time and emotional energy. This investment strengthens the commitment to the relationship and reinforces its long-term viability.

Conflict resolution improves with experience. While disagreements are inevitable, longer relationships provide more opportunities to navigate and resolve conflicts effectively. This leads to improved communication skills and a more resilient relationship. Duration is a key factor but not the sole determinant. While duration plays a crucial role, other factors like compatibility, communication, and trust are equally important in determining a relationship’s overall quality and longevity. Duration calibrates by adding the cumulative time spent between individuals. If the time spent with other people increases or decreases, the ebb and flow of the relationships can be monitored.

Intensity is how strongly you can satisfy another person’s psychological and/or physical needs through verbal and nonverbal behaviors. Based on the theorized need for humans to develop relationships with others, the intensity of these relationships plays an important role in relationship development and maintenance. The Intensity factor is the most important factor in developing a strong relationship and is the linchpin to assessing relationships. Relationships with acquaintances or friends differ significantly from relationships between a businessperson and their clients; however, all relationships share similarities in how relationships are developed (Anderson & Chen, 2002[8]). Intensity can be objectively measured by observing nonverbal gestures.

Several of the more common examples of positive nonverbal intensity measures are:

Mutual gaze — Mutual gaze is the strongest measure of relationships. People who share good rapport establish and maintain eye contact.

Mirroring gestures — Mirroring gestures is a sign of good rapport. People who share good rapport mirror one another’s gestures. People who mirror one another’s words and phrases indicate higher levels of relationship intensity (Wainwright, 1993[9]; Hunt & Price, 2002[10]).

Touching — Touching is a sign of good rapport. Touching indicates a close bond between two people. Touch and liking are closely correlated (Wainwright, 1993; Dimitrius & Mazzarella, 1999[11]). People typically touch one another when they give advice or information, give orders rather than take orders, and try to persuade (Wainwright, 1993). When strangers meet, they typically touch one another on the arms below the shoulders and shake hands. Any touching outside this public touch zones suggest a more intense relationship.

Head nodding — Head nodding signals good rapport. People who are engaged will often nod their heads up and down in agreement with what is being said.

Head tilting — Head tilting indicates a good relationship. People who share good rapport will often tilt their heads slightly to the left or to the right.

Expressive gestures — Expressive gestures increase when rapport has been established.

Inward leaning — Inward leaning indicates good rapport. People lean toward things or people they like and distance themselves from things or people they do not like.

Frequent smiles — Frequent smiles signal good rapport.

Eyebrow flashes — Eyebrow flashes indicate people share a good rapport. Eyebrow flashes are the quick up-and-down movement of the eyebrows. An eyebrow flash lasts about 1/64 of a second.

Several of the most common negative nonverbal measures of intensity are:

• Cold stares
• No touching
• Asynchronous posture
• Negative head shakes
• Gaze aversion
• Fake yawns
• Eye rolls

Inverse Relationship Between Frequency and Duration

Frequency and duration share an inverse relationship. People in frequent contact do not have to spend much time with each other to maintain their relationships. Conversely, people who do not meet frequently typically spend more time with each other to maintain their relationships. The phenomenon becomes apparent when two people meet at a restaurant after not seeing each other for an extended period. They often spend many hours in the restaurant, not realizing that three or four hours have elapsed. Conversely, people who see each other regularly do not have to spend as much time during each visit to maintain relationships.

How the Friendship Formula Works in Real-Life Situations

Once you are aware of the four «building blocks» of a relationship, you can use them to develop a bond between individuals…even individuals who would not normally be amenable to an interpersonal relationship. Consider, for example, an actual FBI case I was involved in[12].

His code name was Seagull. He was a highly placed foreign diplomat. He could be a valuable asset if he became a spy for the United States. How do you convince somebody to pledge their allegiance to an opposing country? The answer was to gain Seagull’s allegiance by using the four building blocks of the Friendship Formula and make him an offer too tempting to refuse.

A background investigation of Seagull revealed that he had been passed over for promotion several times and was overheard telling his wife that he liked living in America and would consider retiring there if that were possible. Seagull was also concerned that his country’s small pension would be insufficient to provide him with a comfortable retirement. Armed with this knowledge, security analysts believed Seagull’s allegiance to his country could be compromised if he was offered the proper financial incentives.

The challenge became how to get close enough to Seagull to make him a financial deal without «spooking» him. The FBI operative, Charles, was told to slowly and systematically grow a relationship with Seagull, like aging a fine wine to bring out its best flavor, to a point where the time was ripe to approach him with an offer. The agent was told that if he moved too fast, Seagull would likely go «shields up» and avoid the agent completely. Instead, he was instructed to orchestrate his approach, using the principles of the Friendship Formula to establish a positive interpersonal relationship. The first step was to get Seagull to like Charles before they exchanged a single word. The second step was to use the appropriate verbal prompts to translate that goodwill into a lasting friendship.

The preparation for the critical first encounter with Seagull started many months before the actual meeting took place. Surveillance determined that Seagull routinely left his embassy compound once a week and walked two blocks to the corner grocery store to shop. Armed with this information, Charles was instructed to station himself at various locations along Seagull’s route to the store. Charles was warned never to approach Seagull or threaten him in any way; instead, he was to simply «be there», so Seagull could see him.

As a trained intelligence officer, it was not long before Seagull took notice of the FBI agent, who made no effort to conceal his identity. Because Charles made no move to intercept or speak with his target, Seagull did not feel threatened and became accustomed to seeing the American on his trips to the store.

After several weeks of being in the same vicinity together, Seagull made eye contact with the American operative. Charles nodded his head, acknowledging Seagull’s presence, but showed no further interest in him.

More weeks passed and, as they did, Charles increased his nonverbal interaction with Seagull by increasing his eye contact, raising his eyebrows, tilting his head, and jutting out his chin, which are all nonverbal signs that scientists have discovered are interpreted by the human brain as «friend signals».

Two months elapsed before Charles made his next move. He followed Seagull into the grocery store he routinely visited but kept his distance from the foreign diplomat. With each new trip to the store, Charles continued to enter the grocery store as well, still maintaining space between himself and Seagull but increasing the number of times he passed the diplomat in the aisles and increasing the duration of visual contact with him. Charles noted that Seagull bought a can of peas on each of his shopping excursions. With this new information, Charles waited a few additional weeks and then, on one occasion, followed Seagull into the store as usual, but this time to introduce himself to Seagull. As the foreign diplomat reached for a can of peas, Charles reached for the can next to it, turned to Seagull, and said, «Hi, my name is Charles, and I’m a Special Agent with the FBI». Seagull smiled and said, «I thought so». From that first innocuous meeting, Charles and Seagull developed a close friendship. Seagull eventually agreed to assist his new FBI friend by regularly providing him with classified information.

A casual observer, watching the many months’ wooing of Seagull, might wonder why it took so long for the first meeting to take place. It was not by accident. In fact, the entire Seagull recruitment strategy was a carefully choreographed psychological operation designed to establish a bond of friendship between two men who would, under normal circumstances, never contemplate such a relationship.

For Charles to have a successful face-to-face meeting with Seagull, the foreign diplomat would have to be psychologically comfortable with his American counterpart. And for that to happen, Charles would have to take specific steps, which, it turned out, he successfully achieved. The steps Charles was required to follow in winning Seagull over are the same ones you must take if you want to develop either short or long-term friendships.

Using the Seagull case as a backdrop, we can examine the steps that Charles successfully completed using the Friendship Formula.

Proximity

In the Seagull case, Charles did not simply walk up to Seagull and introduce himself. Such behavior would have resulted in Seagull’s rapid departure from the scene. The conditions of the case required a more measured approach, one that allowed Seagull time to get use to Charles and not view him as a threat. To achieve this end, the friendship factor of proximity was employed. Proximity serves as an essential element in all personal relationships. Being in the same vicinity as your recruitment target is critical to developing a personal relationship. Proximity predisposes your recruitment target to like you and promotes mutual attraction. People who share physical space are more likely to become attracted to one another, even when no words are exchanged.

The key to the of proximity in all relationships is that it must take place in a non-threatening environment. If a person feels threatened by someone being too close, they go «shields up» and take evasive action to move away from that person. In the Seagull scenario, Charles was proximal to his recruitment target, but he kept a safe distance to prevent him from perceiving Charles as a potential danger and consequently triggering a fight or flight response.

Frequency and Duration

As time passed, Charles employed these two factors. He did so by positioning himself on Seagull’s shopping route in a manner that increased the number of instances (Frequency) where the foreign diplomat saw him. After several months, Charles added duration to the mix by spending longer periods of time around Seagull. Charles did this by following his target into the grocery store, thereby extending the contact time between them.

Intensity

This factor was achieved gradually over time as Seagull became more and more aware of Charles’s presence and the FBI agent’s seemingly unexplainable reluctance to approach him. This introduced one type of intensity, curiosity, into the mix. When a new stimulus is introduced into a person’s environment (in this case, a stranger enters Seagull’s world), the brain is hardwired to determine if that new stimulus presents a threat or a perceived threat. If the new stimulus is judged to be a threat, the person will attempt to eliminate or neutralize the threat by employing the fight or flight response. If, on the other hand, the new stimulus is not perceived as a threat, then it becomes the object of curiosity. The person wants to learn more about the new stimulus. What is it? Why is it there? Can I use it to my benefit?

Charles’ activities were conducted at a safe distance and, over time, became the object of Seagull’s curiosity. This curiosity motivated Seagull to discover who Charles was and what he wanted. Seagull later told Charles that he knew he was an FBI agent the first time he saw him. Whether this was true or not, Seagull received the nonverbal friend signals the FBI agent was sending him.

Once Seagull determined that Charles was an FBI agent, his curiosity increased. Seagull knew he was a recruitment target, but for what purpose and at what price? Since Seagull was already unhappy with his career advancement and looming retirement, he no doubt thought about different scenarios involving Charles, including working as a spy for the FBI.

The decision to become a spy is not made overnight. Potential spies need time to develop rationalization strategies and to grow accustomed to switching their allegiances. The recruitment strategy for Seagull included a length of time for the seed of betrayal to germinate. Seagull’s imagination provided the necessary nutrients for the idea to mature and bloom. This latency period also allowed Seagull to convince his wife to join him. As Charles moved physically closer to Seagull, the diplomat did not see the FBI agent as a pending threat but rather a symbol of hope-hope for a better life in the years to come.

Once Seagull decided to assist the FBI, he had to wait for Charles to approach him. Seagull later told Charles that the wait was excruciating. His curiosity peaked. «Why wasn’t the American operative making a move?». In fact, the second thing Seagull said to Charles when he finally introduced himself at the grocery store was, «What took you so long?».

Applying the Friendship Formula in a business setting:

Effective networking and building friendships in the business world is critical to a person’s overall success. The Friendship Formula provides the guidelines to establish those relationships and the benefits they bring.

As an example, imagine a salesperson who meets a potential client at a trade show and wants to develop a relationship to the point where the potential client will be receptive to a sales pitch. Proximity, the first element of the Friendship Formula, is met. The client and the potential client know one another exist. The next step is to increase the contact frequency between the salesperson and the potential client. The salesperson should frequent the same trade shows, conferences, or professional associations as the potential client attends. Repeated exposure enhances the probability of mutual liking.

After a few meetings, the salesperson could increase the duration and intensity of the relationship by initiating short verbal and nonverbal exchanges with the potential client. After frequently seeing the salesperson at several different events, the potential client will be more comfortable and receptive to the salesperson.

During subsequent meetings, the salesperson should increase the duration and intensity of each interaction by engaging in more personal conversations. By carefully observing the client’s verbal and non-verbal cues, the salesperson can gauge the receptivity of the potential client and appropriately time his sales pitch.

Because the four building blocks for creating interpersonal relationships are always the same, they can be used whenever Person A wants to establish a friendship (or at least a cordial working relationship) with Person B. This is true in the workplace and also in one’s social life.

Assessing the strength of personal relationships

Reflecting on the initial stages of your current or past relationship with a significant other, you may observe that the relationship evolved in alignment with the principles of the Friendship Formula. The Friendship Formula can also be applied to assess the present strength of a relationship and determine methods to rejuvenate the relationship if it has weakened. For instance, a couple who has been married for several years might feel that their relationship is deteriorating but uncertain how to address the issue. By examining the interaction of each Friendship Formula component, they can self-evaluate and identify areas for improvement.

Proximity: Does the couple share the same space? Are they each pursuing their own goals and rarely spending time together in the same location? Has proximity diminished over time?

Frequency: Does the couple share time together? Has shared time changed over the years?

Duration: How much time does the couple spend together when they do see each other? Has the amount of this time increased or decreased significantly at any point in the relationship?

Intensity: This is the building block that holds relationships together. A couple may spend a lot of time together but lack emotional connection. For example, they may watch television frequently without interacting emotionally.

Creating social distance or discourage unwanted relationships

Just as one can use proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity to start a relationship, they can also end one. By taking active measures to reduce these four components of interaction with a targeted individual, the end result will be the demise of the interpersonal linkage. The speed by which this happens will depend, in large part, on how quickly you withdraw from being around that person and, when the person is present, your use of negative (as opposed to positive) non-verbal cues to let them know how you feel about the interaction.

Conclusion. The Friendship Formula and You

Regardless of the type of friendship you seek — short-term, long-term, casual, intense, business-related, personal, or professional — it will invariably depend on proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity. The Friendship Formula is like a foundation, essential and stable, supporting various friendship forms. Using the Friendship Formula can help you enhance your interpersonal effectiveness by making you more capable of building, maintaining, assessing, and/or terminating relationships in your personal and business life.

 

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